It has been a long day. I still have to make an incident report for not going on duty simply because of personal matters. I have been awake more than 24 hours from yesterday’s 2 to 10pm duty and now I’m still wide awake. I want to sleep but my body doesn’t cooperate. I haven’t had any meal yet but I do not have the appetite to eat. There’s so much things going on in my mind and my shift tomorrow starts at 6am so I badly need to publish this one so I could finally eat, sleep and get back to normal.
Yah right. I know. It was obvious. You were trying to change when you entered a relationship with me because you made sure you had a job first. You’re always keeping up with me. I can deal myself wherever trials put me and you were there keeping up your pace. You did reach me. HDU Nurse? CNN? Then taking up for NCLEX.
But you have this
habit of pushing me to test the water first.
I became an HDU Nurse. You followed. I took the CNN twice. You saw me failed but passed right after. Seeing how I flawlessly endured everything, you courageously swam and took it once. Lucky you!
Then the NCLEX. As usual I took it first. Again, I failed.
You were there in the background watching carefully every move I made. Familiar, right? Just like from the previous exam. You were also busy preparing for your schedule, you just had to wait and see me pass and then it will be your turn. I know you’re expecting it just like before coz it’s all too familiar.
Then, came the most terrifying and unexpected thing that took place. Let’s talk about your another habit. This time, a totally different one because you also have a
habit of pushing people away because you do not want to look as the needy one, the dependent one.
When all I wanted was to study with you. What’s wrong with taking the NCLEX together. It would be perfect for a retaker like me, I can totally lend you a hand. But you went on to create a circle of your study buddies.
It wasn’t easy for me. I was dealing it alone (p.s. I work in the city while him, he’s at the province), no one knew when I would take it again except you, my mom and who knows who. We both have our own distractions.
Then came, my NCLEX. I passed. You were overjoyed. Deep within you, there was an excitement that you gotta be the next in line because it’s the same move from the previous one.
Afterwards, everything happened quickly. I was busy preparing my papers for VISA screening… etc… etc… I was even notified to take over the unit as the officer in charge of the Hemodialysis.
Then, came your NCLEX schedule. You did not make it. You were shattered. You acted okay and I believed it.
Sorry. I didn’t pay more attention. I was too busy. Other than dealing with my documents for my U.S. VISA, I was also busy familiarizing my unit.
Your birthday came. Our 6th anniversary came.
And we didn’t even get the chance to celebrate it on the day. It was always moved. Then, my birthday. You made sure to come along to celebrate it with me because that’s me. We can always postpone any ocassion but not my birthday. And I never apologized to you for having that kind of behavior.
We were in the same room but our minds and hearts seem to be out of place. You were grieving, I didn’t notice. I was high with all the things I’ve fulfilled and you were just there witnessing everything.
That started our heated arguments with the same topics over and over that I had everything. That I was just waiting for the right time to break up with you. I was fed up with all these. Maybe it was during these low points when we had faced each of our own distractions.
We were able to fix those but your habits define you as the weaker person of the relationship. The wounds may have healed but your scars were far deeper.
I came to a point when I made a birthday blog, Where Am I in my Nursing Career Now that I am 30? and I tacklessly let you read and share it. And the only words I heard from you, “Wala ko,” (I’m not part of it) or “Asa ko dapit didto” (Where was I in your life?). I quickly replied,
“I’ll make a different blog for you. This one’s for career, relationships should be written separately, of course.”
And I never thought I would be writing about you in this farewell letter. An Open Letter to my Ex.
Believe me, I have to run through that blog again because this seems to be a rewrite and I just somewhat inserted you because
ever since, you’ve always been part of it.
I know it was tiring keeping up with me. You never failed, by the way. You have your ways. Your own definition of success. You’ve been serious for almost 7 years so I understand the urge of loosening up a bit.
The insecurities we have in life just keeps piling up until we can’t keep up anymore. Thus, we take the easier route. Then, there’s this other person. Way way younger, easy to keep up with–the very person who can lift you up and boost your confidence. You easily moved on, way ealier than our breakup. I thought it was me who’s just waiting for the right time to break up but it was you all along.
No hard feelings. God bless on your NCLEX. You’ll pass this time. As soon as this COVID-19 subsides, see you around in America.